No Robots for President

This article was originally published on Humorality, on September 24, 2008.

My fellow robots…

Can someone please tell my why the mainstream media and national polling organizations keep focusing on side issues like the War on Terror and the economy instead of on the one question that should decide this election? If you’ve kept up on current events, you already know what that question is: Which of the two major party candidates is more likely to take complete control of the United States through his own army of flesh-eating robots?

Like most Americans, I was lulled into a false sense of security created by the constant drumbeat of traditional election-year issues. Yes I was lulled, and lulled hard, until I read about someone hacking into Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s email account. Upon hearing this news a few days ago, my first thought was for dinner. But after a good meal, I started to think about who might have violated the privacy rights of this year’s only female major-party candidate, if you don’t count Joe Biden.

One thing was certain: it wasn’t John McCain. Much has been made of Senator McCain’s lack of computer savvy. By McCain’s own admission, he avoids computer interactions, not only because of the painful hand injuries he received as a prisoner of war, but because an abacus is more than a sufficient tool for the daily work of a United  States senator.

By sharp contrast, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama is not only technically adept, he boasts of having the level of computer understanding necessary to rise to the highest office in the land. When you put two and two together, with or without a spreadsheet, the facts are clear: Barack Obama, the liberal Democratic senator from Illinois, personally hacked into Sarah Palin’s email account.

It’s not really a question of how he did it, but of why. Why would Barack Obama, the only major candidate to have received bionic implants, want to access the email accounts of the opposition? Was it a Nixonian desire to locate key Republican strategy documents, and thus gain a covert electoral advantage? Perhaps he was looking for a moose-burger recipe Palin was rumored to have received from a campaign supporter. Or was it something even more sinister?

Concerned at what a hacker-in-chief could do to this great nation, I did a little investigation into the technical background of the Democratic nominee for the country’s highest prize. The news is not good. For one thing, Barack Obama owns an iPod, and in June released a copy of his playlist in a brazen effort to sway the Jazz Vote. He also uses an iPhone, another “toy” developed by Steve Jobs, mastermind of the upcoming October Surprise 3G. John McCain, meanwhile, is still stuck using a BlackBerry, a device with a built-in keyboard that is a throwback to manual typewriters and the wheel.

On the campaign trail, Barack Obama, the only half-man, half-machine cyborg in the presidential race, peppered his speeches with the words “hope” and “change,” a clear indication of an internal software glitch that resulted in the same program running repeatedly. And if you listen carefully to replays of Obama’s acceptance speech, you can clearly hear, with each move of his arm, the trademark bionic sound (ts-ts-ts-ts-ts-ts). His new “Resistance is Futile” campaign slogan is also a concern.

It’s a sad day in America when an android built from the ground up to instigate a malevolent takeover of this great nation is only one step away from the White House. One can only imagine what life in the US of A would be like under such a leader. With the power to tax in hand, it would only be a matter of time before he could invest in a program of replacing our all-volunteer military with legions of remote-controlled artificially intelligent drones, each drawing power from the body heat of helpless citizens.

This has been the hideous plan of the Democrats ever since Al Gore invented the Internet. But you can stop them. Your vote can make the difference. Which would you rather have in the Oval Office, a Republican human capable of interacting with world leaders on an emotional level despite his computer-like speaking skills, or a life-sized, nuclear-powered walking robotic invader from outer space WITH EYES THAT GLOW, and with millions of metallic alien henchmen at his beck and call, ready to pounce on an unsuspecting public?

How many votes will it take to rescue America from certain doom? I have an abacus here if you want to calculate it.