Bush Wins Again

This article was originally published on Humorality, on November 3, 2008.

Obama Knew, Did Nothing

Although there is still one day to go before the 2008 presidential election, one newspaper has already announced the winner. The Seattle Bugle‘s Monday morning above-the-fold headline declares “Bush Wins Third Term.”

“We felt it was important to take immediate action on this news before it was too late,” declared the Bugle‘s editor-in-chief Franklin Oswego. “Once a third-term President Bush suspends the First Amendment, it will be too late.” The White House denied any such action by the current administration.

Immediate reactions came from across the political landscape. Senator Barack Obama, campaigning in Florida, was not surprised. “We’ve always known that the Republicans were capable of this level of societal takeover. With their guns and their God, it was only a matter of time before they imposed their vindictive will on the normal people of this great nation—the Democrats, the independents, and all who stand on hope. Unfortunately, this plot by the Bush administration was a change we could depend on.”

John McCain announced that he was not suspending his campaign, despite the rumors of a Bush-Cheney conspiracy. “As someone who has gone through trying circumstances, I have the experience to see that this is simply a rumor. However, if Democrats want to stay home tomorrow and avoid the risk associated with polling places, they have my full support.”

The Bugle‘s front-page article outlined Bush’s actions during the first 100 hours of his future post-non-election term: (1) dispense with the January 20th oath of office, replacing it with a ceremony of ritualistic cannibalism; (2) transfer all liberal-leaning Supreme Court justices to their new jobs as Walmart greeters; (3) officially change the country’s name to “The United States of Halliburton.”

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean released a statement from his underground bunker. “We all saw this coming; the clues were obvious. The passing of the Patriot Act. Wiretapping rules extended to Wii controllers. The requirement that government workers wear swastika armbands. A Republican coup d’état was the next logical step. The nearly 100 million Republicans in this country have kept the secret of their evil dictator-in-chief very well. They will all be handsomely rewarded with the homes and jobs of hard-working Democratic middle-class families. It’s another typical Republican redistribution of wealth plan.”

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino blasted the newspaper’s story as a complete fabrication. “The election isn’t even until tomorrow, and nothing nefarious is going on. We don’t have a clue why they wrote such a story.”

But editor Oswego was unconvinced. “Although the election is still a day away, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that Bush has imposed Marshall Law for the three days leading up to the election. Our cities may have already been under two days of ad hoc imprisonment as we speak, with soldiers and tanks on every corner. But the president would see it as a necessarily step so that Vice President Cheney and his 49 clones could personally arrest all 50 state governors simultaneously. It’s not a conspiracy; it’s the truth. Look, it’s on the front page of a newspaper! Isn’t that enough to convince you?”

Some Seattleites who read the morning paper were already in panic mode, barely able to order their triple-shot latté. Martha Balmer, a Democrat living in Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood, was visibly shaken. “I fear for my family’s life. We live just down the street from a Baptist church, teaming with Republicans. I fully expect that my children will be kidnapped during the night and thrown into the congregation’s sanctuary, a.k.a., the “torture chamber,” where they will be forced to bow down to an altar of George W. Bush.”

Even those in far-away New Orleans had heard of the reported national takeover. “Who are you going to call? The police?” asked Mark LaFrance, a retired police officer. “They’ve all been brainwashed and hypnotized by FEMA. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it, since it was done while most police departments were run by left-leaning politicians.”

The New York Times issued an emergency editorial supporting the move by the Bugle. The editorial was broadcast on all major television news channels, stating in part, “We applaud the editors of the Seattle Bugle for taking this preemptive action. Like all journalists, the reporters and editorial staff of the Bugle are bias-free and always print stories that correctly portray the Republicans as radical fascists. That reputation proves that the activities reported in this article will be played out with uncanny accuracy. Republicans will do anything to keep minorities away from the seats of power. Just ask Colin Powell.”

While there have been no reports of an actual takeover in any city anywhere in America, that may be due to this reporter not following up on leads as he boards a flight to Brazil.