Tim Patrick
This article was originally published on Humorality, on February 22, 2009.
Cabinet-Level Humidity Secretary Anticipated
In a bitterly cold White House Rose Garden ceremony, President Barack Obama signed the long-awaited Temperature Stimulus Package recently passed by both houses of Congress. Coming on the heels of the historic Economic Stimulus Bill signed into law just last week, the new legislation seeks to increase the ambient temperature of most of the United States by twenty to thirty degrees Fahrenheit over the next four to six months, bringing warmth to one of the coldest seasons in recent memory.
“America has, for too many months, been kept from its appointed rounds by snow, sleet, hail, and dark of night” said the president after the signing. “The provisions signed into law today will put the full resources of the federal government into action and avert a disaster of climatic proportions.” The president was joined congregational leaders, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, and in a hopeful sign, two shivering supermodels in bikinis.
Republicans in both the House and the Senate balked at the new measures, insisting that temperatures around the nation would have rebounded on their own without government intervention. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell quoted repeatedly from an expert at the University of Pennsylvania. “My colleagues on the other side of the aisle continue to reject experts such as Punxsutawney Phil, and do so simply to increase the federal bureaucracy. If you can’t trust a groundhog with a 120-year track record to predict the weather, why would you trust an inexperienced president?”
President Obama dismissed Republican concerns without comment. But Vice President Joe Biden was quick to respond, placing blame for the cold snap on the previous administration. “Temperatures were pretty nice last summer. But after it was clear that McCain’s post-convention bump wasn’t going to last, Bush’s cronies in the National Weather Service ratcheted down the climate. The heat has been falling since at least late September.”
The Temperature Stimulus legislation is over 600 pages long, and it’s doubtful that any members of Congress have read it completely due to their chattering teeth. Despite its length, much of the bill left actual solution details to new federal agencies that would plan out nation-warming strategies over the next several months. “We’re looking at a wide range of solutions,” said Energy Secretary Steven Chu. “As you know, we recently approved nearly one trillion dollars in economic stimulus spending. Since we only know what to do with about a quarter of that money, we are thinking of burning some of the dollars in open pits in an attempt to warm up the local climate.”
With so much focus on increasing temperatures, environmentalists are already staging protests, concerned that the administration’s plans will increase global warming. Mr. Obama was encouraged by the news of such opposition. “In these desperate times, we need people from all viewpoints to come together and voice their opinions. The increased body temperature of angry protestors and all of the hot air from their rhetoric are precisely what America needs to overcome this crisis.”
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