This article was originally published on Humorality, on July 27, 2009.
The End of Dessert as we Know It
State health officials were called today to a downtown Madison, Wisconsin TCBY yogurt shop in what is being called the latest tragedy in the era of human-induced global warming. At about 3:30pm, during the hottest part of the day, one of the yogurt machines failed to bring the non-fat product to a frozen consistency. Instead, customers were greeted with sugar cones filled with a lukewarm dairy-like goo. “It was like something out of a B movie,” said Sarah Wickersby, whose chocolate / piña-colada twist cone was one of those hardest hit by a rise in average global surface temperatures.
Michael Warner, a professor of Cheese and Meat Studies at the University of Wisconsin, was not surprised. “I had heard of a similar report about a year ago coming out of southern California, but it’s typically hot down there. This is Madison!” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “Given what I learned from the Al Gore documentary, I knew it was only a matter of time before something like this came to Wisconsin.”
The meltdown occurred in a unit that had been in operation for over ten years. A TCBY representative, who asked to remain nameless, commented on the replacement later that afternoon. “It was a good machine. But older systems like these seem to be disappearing. When global warming leads to mechanical species extinction right in your own yogurt chain, it really opens your eyes.”