Meltdown Linked to Global Warming

This article was originally published on Humorality, on July 27, 2009.

The End of Dessert as we Know It

State health officials were called today to a downtown Madison, Wisconsin TCBY yogurt shop in what is being called the latest tragedy in the era of human-induced global warming. At about 3:30pm, during the hottest part of the day, one of the yogurt machines failed to bring the non-fat product to a frozen consistency. Instead, customers were greeted with sugar cones filled with a lukewarm dairy-like goo. “It was like something out of a B movie,” said Sarah Wickersby, whose chocolate / piña-colada twist cone was one of those hardest hit by a rise in average global surface temperatures.

Michael Warner, a professor of Cheese and Meat Studies at the University of Wisconsin, was not surprised. “I had heard of a similar report about a year ago coming out of southern California, but it’s typically hot down there. This is Madison!” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “Given what I learned from the Al Gore documentary, I knew it was only a matter of time before something like this came to Wisconsin.”

The meltdown occurred in a unit that had been in operation for over ten years. A TCBY representative, who asked to remain nameless, commented on the replacement later that afternoon. “It was a good machine. But older systems like these seem to be disappearing. When global warming leads to mechanical species extinction right in your own yogurt chain, it really opens your eyes.”

Tim Patrick

Tim Patrick is an author, software developer, and the host of Japan Everyday. He has published a dozen books and hundreds of articles covering technology, current events, and life in Japan. Find his latest books at

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