God Signs Kyoto Protocol, Goes Green

This article was originally published on Humorality, on August 3, 2009.

Nothing but Green Skies

Mother Nature and her earthly domains rejoiced in a collective “Hallelujah” today as God signed the landmark 1992 protocol to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, the so-called “Kyoto Protocol.” Bowing to years of pressure from Christian environmentalist groups, Heaven’s Office of Land and Galaxy Use announced the Father’s assent to the accords in a press conference broadcast simultaneously on all possible transmission channels, and in all human languages. God himself was unavailable for comment.

Although heaven was not one of the included territories in the original protocol, the move by the Deity preempted objections by Spain that the eternal realms should do their part to reduce global greenhouse gases. Spain also announced that twenty percent of its country suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth overnight, and that locusts had infested the remaining regions.

“God loves the earth, and while he rarely has time to visit there, he wants to send a message of support to its people,” announced the Holy Spirit, through a chorus of prophets on the US Capital steps just after the signing ceremony. Representatives for the Holy Creator announced that not only would God and the angels agree to reduce activities that increase carbon dioxide—such as carrying people to heaven in chariots of fire—they will also begin a Streets-of-Gold-side recycling program within three months.

Despite widespread praise and worship over the announcement, some of the provisions were ridiculed by environmentalists. “He promised thousands of years ago to never again destroy the world by flood, and look what happened to Indonesia in the 2004 tsunami,” said Allison Monarch of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Those Living Near Oceans (PETTLNO, I guess). “Families lost their sons and daughters in that disaster. What does God know about losing a child? I just can’t believe what He says anymore.”

Others are suggesting that the protocols don’t go far enough. Mike Chang, a spokesman for Greenpeace, was blunt. “God designed these greenhouse molecules in the first place. The UN should have demanded that he alter the laws of chemistry, or at least impose a fine on Him.” Jesus himself agreed to personally respond to such critics by appearing on Larry King Live to “heal their diseases.”