This article was originally published on Humorality, on October 12, 2009.
Patent Office Discovers 13-Billion-Year-Old Filing in Archives
God filed suit in federal court today against several dozen scientist engaged in what the Eternal Father calls “piracy of legally protected DNA lifeware.” At issue are the cloning efforts of several research laboratories around the United States who are alleged to have engaged in the illegal copying and distribution of previously licensed DNA.
“We don’t sell DNA; we license it,” declared the Holy Spirit, God’s official spokespirit. “Every life form has a non-exclusive, non-transferable right to his, her, or its own DNA product. The license agreement issued and signed at germination or fertilization is very clear in this matter.”
Today’s filing represents the first time that an omnipotent deity has sought legal enforcement of patent rights. “But it won’t be the last time,” declared Mr. Spirit. “My client will aggressively pursue anyone who clones heavenly materials without a proper licensing agreement.”
Most pundits were not surprised at the legal action, since it was only a week ago that a lawyer for Dr. Hyung Wojihowski, one of the defendants, raised doubts about the Lord’s patent claims. “We categorically reject God’s claims of DNA ownership, and ask him to provide evidence that he developed the technology first,” said attorney James Hartgrove. In a related story, Mr. Hartgrove was found dead in his home several days later, the result of widespread mutations throughout all his body’s cells. The death has been ruled a suicide.
A three-judge panel has imposed a cloning injunction until the case can be fully reviewed. But some of the researchers will continue on with their projects despite the ban. “Of course I will keep working,” said Heinrich Gregson, PhD, a researcher focusing on the cloning of sushi-grade tuna. “I’m certainly impressed with the quality of the DNA he produced. But let’s face it: the man’s past his prime. He’s in management now, and managers only care about the bottom line. That’s why he’s suing. What happened to his quest for knowledge?”
It could be years before the results of the suit are fully adjudicated. Until then, the Creator of All Things is leaving the door open for negotiation. In a released statement, the I AM said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock, with a contract in hand. I was willing to give my son so that people, including these scientists, might gain eternal life. Is it asking too much of them to offer me ten percent of their royalties in return?”