News of Breaking News!

This article was originally published on Humorality, on November 16, 2009.

This Just In, In, Incredible

(Dramatic Intro Music) You’re watching The Ten o’clock News at Ten, your number one place for award-winning dramatic intro music. And now, with the latest post-music news, here’s the region’s most trusted news anchor and snappy dresser, Cheesy Slickman.

(Cheesy) We have breaking news from our sister news affiliate, The Nine o’clock News at Nine, about a horrific incident that may have taken place at an undisclosed location in the downtown area of a major American city, and authorities are only beginning to speculate on who will be the first to expose the top secret facts. Our investigative team was the first on the scene as the events unfolded, and our news-servant Sylvia Takamasanagahashi has exclusive details that you’ll only see here on The Ten o’clock News at Ten. Sylvia?

(Sylvia via Live Non-Anchor News Feed) That’s right, Cheesy. Local police have not yet gone on record as to the full impact of this undocumented occurrence, but one bystander who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the alleged situation involved one or more public or private agencies—or possibly individuals—and will certainly have a long-term effect on the people, pets, and parolees who call this place “home.”

Our top reporters—except for me, of course—are still in the field gathering Emmy-worthy updates on this story-of-the-century. However, we have already received unconfirmed accounts from our Eye in the Sky News-Fighter-Jet, giving just a hint of the major news anecdote that some commentators are calling “a widespread victimless crime of never-before-seen proportions.”

A Freedom of Information Act request to local government bureaucrats turned up several unclassified documents that could have a significant bearing on episodes like the one being tracked by our Accu-Track^TM Action News-and-Weather Tank. However, a spokesperson for a ranking legislative staff member and an insider on several marginally related government oversight committees dismissed the documents as irrelevant since they had not yet been discussed on a major Sunday morning news program.

Despite such reactions, the people who live in this community and others like it are still concerned about the possible ramifications of reporters asking questions about stories like this. Local residents and vagrants just passing through were clearly agitated about the lack of a prime-time special report on this as-of-yet unverified story. Even more shocking, the hospital where potential victims of this catastrophe-in-waiting could be transported to by helicopter in case of a prolonged emergency asked not to be identified due to privacy concerns.

We’re also getting official word from places as far flung as our On-the-Spot News Unicycle that there is no official word on this whole affair. For now, it seems that until the administration’s team of advisers, local citizens, and—yes—even members of the media take immediate and restrained action, this story is only going to get bigger. Back to you, Cheesy.