Election Czar Cuts Republican Votes by 90%

This article was originally published on Humorality, on November 2, 2009.

Called a Fresh Approach to Equal Rights

Republicans are crying foul at a new executive order issued by President Barack Obama that will reduce each conservative’s vote to one-tenth of its previous level. The president’s recently appointed Election Czar, Jimmy “Left Foot” Capone, announced the change in national policy at a “Freedom and Justice for All” rally in Chicago. “This revision of voting rules corrects a 200-plus year injustice that has plagued elections in each of the twenty-nine great blue states and other less developed areas of America,” said Capone. “Republicans and their Whig counterparts will no longer be able to wrest control of this nation’s public offices solely on the basis of election results.”

The new voting rules require that everyone who voted predominantly Republican in any of the last ten election cycles reapply for voter registration and provide a set of fingerprints and dental records before the revised “voter discount card” is issued by county officials. “The dental records are simply a formality, to ensure that recently deceased conservatives don’t suddenly rise up from the grave and jump into the voting booth,” said Capone, “even if their bodies are charred beyond recognition.”

“Wall Street fat cats are all Republicans, and we successfully reduced their compensation packages by ninety percent,” President Obama said at a White House news conference. “Making a similar correction in their voting practices is the next logical step, an important step forward in curbing the influence of conservative voting on the Executive and Legislative branches.”

Republicans legislators, whose voting reductions are impacted retroactively to the start of Obama’s first term, whined on and on about the executive order. “This is against everything the Constitution stands for,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH). “We intend to appeal this decision to the Supreme Court and have this power grab overturned immediately.”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” responded Justice Sonia Sotomayor.

Reactions in America’s cities were mixed. Janice Cantlebury, a Democrat from Louisiana, applauded the changes. “It will bring hope to voters who know nothing about candidates or issues. Now, they will always get the Democrats they deserve.” But for Independents such as Gary Indiana of Gary, Indiana, the change brings unintended consequences. “When both parties had an even chance, I could fill out the ballet with a simple coin toss. Now what am I going to do?”

Despite the change, many Republicans are taking it in stride. “It will all come out in the wash,” said Norman Eveready, a Republican leader in the Texas state senate. “Five Midwest states have already passed laws that will let Republican voters fill out 15 separate ballots each election. Think of all those glorious trees being cut down just to save the union. And with many Democrat-leaning states switching to Vegas-style voting rules, the new executive order will only increase the odds for the underdogs.”

The full impact of the voting changes won’t be known until the 2010 congressional elections. Until then, most of the electorate are taking a wait-and-see attitude, as summed up by Amanda Martinez, a newly registered voter and illegal alien living in California: “What difference does it make which candidate is in which party? It’s not like I’m going to make up my mind anyway until I read their names in the voting booth.”