White House Phone Menu System

This article was originally published on Humorality, on November 9, 2009.

Your Call or Vote Is Important to Us

Hello. Thank you for calling the White House, the home of Barack, Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and Bo. If you are trying to reach Pete’s Deli, please note that the number has changed to 555-3924. Para Español, oprima numero dos por connecto a US Immigration and Customs Enforcement. If this is an emergency, please press 9 to be connected with my speechwriter who will prepare hopeful, uplifting messages for my next primetime press conference.

Please listen carefully as our menu options and several of our healthcare-related policies have recently changed. If you are not using a push button phone, please stay on the line, and an operator will assist you in obtaining a voucher that you can use to upgrade your analog telephone to a model that supports the new digital standards.

If you are a member of Congress and you have questions about proposed legislation, please hang up and call CNN or MSNBC. One of my aides will be happy to assist you. Calls made to Fox News will get you nothing but lies, lies, lies.

All calls may be monitored by the FBI, CIA, IRS, Homeland Security, FEMA, the National Institutes of Health, and—new this week! —members of the United Nations international peacekeeping forces, for training and quality control purposes.

If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it now, and contribute up to a maximum of $2,400 to any individual candidate of that party.

Please have a pen and paper ready as you may wish to repeat the things you hear today to your grandchildren or members of the local press.

If you wish to purchase quality produce from Michelle’s vegetable garden, press 1 now to be connected to the Department of Agriculture.

If you have recently been wronged in public, press 3 now. After the beep, leave your name, number, and favorite brand of beer.

Employees of a bank, automobile company, insurance carrier, or any other business managed by one of innumerable federal agencies who wish to discuss their salary and benefits package should press 4 now to end this call.

If you are a world leader, or if you were transferred to this number by Secretary of State and former rival Hillary Clinton, press 5 now. For security purposes, you will be asked to provide your phone number, your street address, the last four digits of your passport number, your date of birth, your mother’s maiden name, and whether your country is currently occupied by members of the United States armed services. Your call will be answered in the order received, unless you are Iran.

Teachers calling from Malia’s or Sasha’s school who would like to discuss their class work, please press 6 now. Both girls have permission to use their teleprompter devices for tests and oral book reports.

Press 7 now to schedule a round of golf with Barack. Golf bookings are available Mondays through Saturdays only as Sunday is basketball day.

All other callers press 8 now to be connected to the private residence, or press 0 to be routed to the White House operator. Be sure to have your senator or representative available.

This message will repeat every four years.