This article was originally published on Humorality, on December 28, 2009.
Conveniently Located Near the Freeways of Gold
In a sign that the world economy might be turning around, Heaven announced today the grand opening of its new vacation resort. The Heaven’s Gate Spa and Resort, the first of three such projects, is located just outside of New Jerusalem, and some are already calling it the “New Mecca” of tourism.
“Having a complete eternal perspective on all humanity allows us to customize a package to fit anyone’s budget and life experiences,” said Michael, the archangel and manager of the site. “In fact, there is no charge for a two-night stay. All we ask is that our guests attend a brief, no-obligation, ninety-minute evangelistic crusade where they will learn about options for eternal ownership in our other properties inside Heaven.”
Stock in heavenly pursuits has been in decline for decades, stemming in part from concerns that the recent economic turmoil on Earth has sapped the resources of Heaven’s Prayer Fulfillment business. And although Earth’s global population has been rising, fewer people than ever are opting to spend their eternal lives in Heaven. The new resort was built to reverse that trend. “By giving people a taste of the feast to come, we hope to dramatically increase our everlasting market share,” said Michael from his 942,325,195th-story office. “We even have a PGA-quality eighteen-cloud golf course. Unfortunately, the private lessons with Tiger Woods that we promoted in some of our brochures are no longer available.”
In the past, visiting the borders of Heaven required a lengthy hospital stay. “But with fewer people having access to affordable health insurance, we found it necessary to ‘lower the bar’ for a peek into eternal glory.” Vacationers can still take the near-death transport (“Bring your sunglasses,” says Michael), or they can purchase tickets on the Chariot of Fire express, which departs daily from most major airports and megachurches.
“My wife had a fantastic time at their older location last year,” said George Fitzsimmons of Omaha, Nebraska, who nearly lost his wife in a car accident. “But before we make a down payment on more permanent lodgings, I told them that I wanted to visit Hell’s ‘Gardens at the Lake of Fire’ resort to see what they have to offer. I hear they’re having a two-for-one soul sale.”
Michael is all too familiar with “lookie-loos” like the Fitzsimmons family. “We haven’t always done a good job at selling the value of Heaven. The ‘Chubby Cherub’ and ‘Angel Choir’ advertising campaigns we depended on for centuries aren’t reaching this younger generation,” admitted the busy archangel. “Today’s humans are demanding evidence before they give in to a trust in God. It’s sad, really.”