Jesus Opens New Restaurant Chain

This article was originally published on Humorality, on December 7, 2009.

Seeks to Displace ‘Satan’s Diner’ Fast Food Shops

With the unemployment rate hovering around ten percent, families are wondering where their next meal is going to come from, and how long it will last them. While many cafes offer satisfying meals, a new chain of restaurants opening in several states this month claims to provide meals that will “bring people together for all eternity.”

The new shops are called “The Last Supper,” and its angelic mix of food and intimacy is introducing people to a whole new type of health food. The president and part owner of the company, a bearded thirty-something named Jesus, hopes the fare served by his locations will bring new life to those in physical and spiritual need.

“It’s all about the relationships,” said Jesus, whose “Bread of Life” nickname has become something of a company motto. “My Father has always been big on relationships and intimacy. As a family, we’ve found that food is a great way to bring people together into new and lasting relationships.”

His company has been preparing food—mostly Concord grape wines and unleavened breads—for close to 2,000 years. “But our distribution system just wasn’t working out,” said the Holy Spirit, the company’s head of corporate communications. “When we first started, our branches in the Middle East were in love with the entire concept, and people flocked together, not just for the food, but for the living relationships. But times have changed, and so many of our traditional locations have established ritualistic seating guidelines.”

The company decided to try a more direct effort. “Taking life-giving food to the people of the world has always been one of our primary concerns,” said Mr. Jesus. “We even have living water available for those who thirst for righteousness.” Local health inspectors ensured the public that there would be no living organisms in the water.

The menu features everyday comfort foods. One favorite is “The Five Thousand,” a tasty fish dish that comes with five bread selections. And for dessert: angel food cake. Each store will also offer wine, although one Liquor Control Board was investigating rumors that the wines were nothing more than plain tap water.

God, the normally silent partner, was excited about the work that Jesus had done with the new restaurants. “I am well pleased with him. I’ve always depended on him to bring new people in, to make them a real part of the family. This is really good news.” God was also promoting his book, an action-adventure-romance-comedy that weaves a story of love and war from the creation of the world to its final apocalyptic conclusion.

Excitement over the new restaurant wasn’t limited to just the owners. “I’ve heard that people were willing to die for this guy’s food,” said Joe, a marketing consulting who lives around the corner from one of the new restaurants. “And who can argue with ‘free?'”

That’s right, the food at The Last Supper is paid for by head chef Jesus himself. “At least for those willing to trust us with the food and the bill,” reminded the owner. “In the end, it’s not about what you eat or drink or wear, but it’s about who you know, and who knows you. What does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world, but lose out on some really good eats and relationships?”