Pinocchio Found Guilty of Perjury

This article was originally published on Humorality, on December 14, 2009.

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A New York state judge today sentenced famed defense lawyer Boy “Woody” Pinocchio to three nights in jail after the attorney perjured himself during a hearing. He was being held in a New York City jail pending a review by a panel of botanists.

Mr. Pinocchio was giving his opening arguments in the racketeering trial of reputed crime boss Mario Geppetto, head of the East Coast Toy Maker syndicate, when witnesses say that his “nose just started growing something awful.” At that point, the judge ordered the bailiff to transport the lawyer to the holding cell.

“It was surreal,” said a man seated in the visitor’s gallery. “One minute he was babbling on about some guy named Lampwick, and the next thing we knew he was swinging this tree around the courtroom.” Paramedics treated several people at the scene for minor bruises and splinters.

Jiminy Cricket, an associate of the jailed advocate, called the judge’s action “baseless,” and insisted that the incident was caused by nothing more than “severe inflammation of the sinus membranes.”

A background check of Mr. Pinocchio indicates that he may have an extensive rap sheet, with arrests for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, and practicing medical experiments on lumber without a license. The full record of his dealings with law enforcement is sealed as the majority of the incidents took place when he was a minor. A misdemeanor charge of deep-sea fishing without a license was dropped several years ago after Pinocchio promised to turn his life around and complete his GED.