This article was originally published on Humorality, on January 11, 2010.
Jesus’s Social Security Payments Delayed 500 Years
The coming of a new year brings with it the looming April 15th deadline for filing American tax returns. But this year, changes to the federal tax code will require that God submit a standard Form 1040 and all accompanying schedules. In closed-door meetings on Christmas Day, when God was busy with holiday festivities, members of Congress passed a sweeping overhaul of the tax system that included issuing a 342,957-digit Social Security Number to the King of Kings.
President Obama addressed the changes at a signing ceremony over the weekend. “For too long, the hard-working citizens of this country have carried the overwhelming burden of its wasteful and bureaucratic programs and services. Others, especially those in positions of universe-creating power, have avoided paying into a system that is at risk of collapsing thanks to my eighteen Republican predecessors. It’s time for the rich and omnipotent to contribute to the well-being of this nation.”
Until now, the independently wealthy Creator has not drawn an income from any American business, and therefore has never paid federal income taxes. The new changes expand the definition of income to encompass more general benefits to God’s bottom line, including church donations, profits from Thanksgiving Day sales, and the capital gains of plants and creatures that implement his DNA-based life systems. Other modifications limit God’s ability to claim all humans as his dependents.
“The guy only has one son, and he’s thousands of years old,” said IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman. “Are you telling me that he is still living at home? And beyond the issue of dependents, the reality is that God has never paid his fair share of the tax burden. Like so many of the powerful elite, he has used loopholes and ‘Acts of God’ to avoid his financial obligations. He sits there on his throne while the vulnerable and impoverished pay for his lavish lifestyle. It’s shameful.” Mr. Shulman was later rushed to the hospital in critical condition.
“We’re not trying to pick on God,” said Representative Charles Rangel, chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, which drafted the changes. “With the historically high rates of unemployment we’ve seen over the past year, income to the federal treasury has been down significantly. Congress either had to find ways to reduce spending or come up with eternal sources of funding. The choice was obvious.”
In addition to the income taxes, the president also announced new tariffs on imports of blessings from Heaven, rule changes on death taxes that exclude resurrections from probate considerations, assessments from the use of the lucrative “God Bless You” trademark, and property taxes on Heaven’s vast land holdings. “Those streets of gold will go a long way toward supporting the healthcare needs of all Americans,” said Mr. Obama.
In a prepared statement, the Lord of Hosts reiterated Psalm 24:1, his past position on civil taxes: “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Pope Benedict XVI, one of God’s European representatives, called the attempt at American taxation “a hilarious knee-slapper.” Even the American Civil Liberties Union, often identified as a foe of religious groups, took issue with the tax change, citing “messy church-state complications.”
Montana Senator Max Baucus, the Democratic chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, was confident that the Alpha and Omega would comply with the changes. “All we’re asking is that God follow his own advice and ‘render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.’ The guy is loaded and should have no difficulties paying into the treasury system. Not even God should be able to avoid death and taxes.”