This article was originally published on Humorality, on February 15, 2010.
When pigs melt
In what experts are calling the biggest blast in nearly twenty-five years, a storm has dumped more than thirty-three inches of congressional pork on Washington, DC. Strong gusts of wind coming out of both the Senate and House chambers have pushed porkdrifts across all fifty states, including Texas.
“This system appeared on our radar during the last few months of the Bush administration, but we had no idea it would be this devastating,” said Curt “Thunder” Hazenbrat, a meteorologist with the Congressional Budget Office. “With the region of high-pressure health care legislation hanging over the Capitol, we thought no other fronts could get through. We were wrong. Really wrong.”
Despite the negative impact of the meat dump, many members of Congress from both political parties seemed happy, even giddy, with the dramatic, non-kosher downpour. One ranking Democrat was seen rushing out of his offices with his staff in tow, only to flop down into the fluffy, greasy drifts and begin making pork angels. Opposing members of the Senate Banking Committee took up positions across Delaware Street and started lobbing porkballs at each other.
One staffer for Nancy Pelosi’s office could barely contain her glee. “I’m like a kid from an obscenely wealthy family again,” said Janice Undergarden, just putting the finishing touches on a porkman. “The whole city is just so beautiful with all this pork glistening on the ground. I haven’t seen anything this picturesque since Johnson’s Great Society.”
The storm has since been downgraded to a tropical recession, although unemployment gusts of nearly ten percent are expected to remain for months, if not years. Some Republicans urged caution, expressing concerns that this local storm was indicative of a larger Global Hamming problem.
Not to be deterred by the forecast, President Barack Obama hosted his standard three daily speeches, encouraging citizens to remain calm. “When I was a kid, I had to walk to school in the pork, uphill, both ways. Recent Republican administrations have disrupted our national standards, so much so that spending was barely keeping up with double the rate of inflation. Although this blizzard will bring with it short-term difficulties, it is in fact a positive sign of recovery.”
Light flakes of pork—no two alike—are still falling at government offices across the country. As the drifts pile up, ordinary taxpayers are doing their best to make do with a trying situation. “Politics is a dirty business,” said John Merrick, a grocery store manager in Wichita. “But when you see it covered over with a silky blanket of pork, it makes you stop and think, if for only a moment, that living way beyond your means might not be so bad after all.”