DMV to Offer Reduced-Cost Lunches to Poor Drivers

This article was originally published on Humorality, on March 15, 2010.

New cars to include Nutrition Facts label

The California Department of Motor Vehicles will soon offer lunches to poor drivers at a reduced cost, or in some cases no cost. According to the department’s web site, the new program, part of the DMV’s “Two Full Tanks” initiative, seeks to increase both driving test scores and its share of California’s limited tax revenues.

“Studies show that drivers who don’t have a healthy and satisfying meal are twenty percent more likely to change lanes without signaling,” said Gloria Studebaker, the DMV’s Chief of Dietary Traffic, who did not have the actual study handy. “The driving habits of some Californians are simply too poor, and they struggle to navigate through restaurant parking lots. These travelers need help, and we will provide that help the old-fashioned way—with food, plus a choice of white or chocolate milk.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Mario Karte, an 18-year-old with a suspended license, a drunk-driving conviction, and four points on his record. “It was so frustrating not having the food I needed to weave in and out of traffic injury-free. And don’t get me started on that jail fare. Who do they think we are, high school students?”

Despite the statewide economic downturn, the agency has already begun retrofitting many of its locations with drive-thru windows. Herb Gorman, an Information Counter clerk at a DMV field office in Los Angeles County, dismissed concerns about increased traffic. “If there is one thing that the DMV is good at, it’s getting people in and out of its offices quickly, and with a smile.”

Not everyone is happy with the change. Christina Patricia Rodriguez McManus of the Hands on the Wheel Institute fears the new meals-to-wheels program will increase driver dependency on government services. “It’s not the job of government employees to provide lunch to drivers, especially when they know that driving while eating is inherently dangerous.”

“Ms. McManus is just upset because it took her three tries to pass her driving test,” said Chief Studebaker. “And I think she’ll change her tune when she learns that we’ll be adding a choice of domestic and imported beers in time for the busy summer driving season.”