House Passes Comprehensive Salvation Reform

This article was originally published on Humorality, on March 29, 2010.

We’re from the government and we’re here to help you forever

By a margin of 216 to 215, the House of Representatives voted today to pass a comprehensive salvation reform package known as the “God’s Not So Tough Act of 2010.” Final details of the bill were hammered out in a closed-door session that leaders hoped would be hidden from the King of King’s prying eyes. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi called the close Republican-free vote “a landslide victory for lesser humans.”

The vote came amid ongoing controversy over whether the United States government had the right to bestow eternal blessings at all, not only for its own citizens, but also for the millions of illegal aliens who have been breaking the “Thou shall not covet thy neighboring country’s financial success” laws for decades.

“Today marks a great day for the American people,” said Senate Outreach Committee Chairwoman Debbie Stabenow, who heads up the evangelism efforts for the legislative body. “For too long this country has allowed Heaven to be associated with the spiritually rich and those with a political agenda that depended on tradition and the status quo. Today’s House vote ensures that the benefits of that eternal home will be available to tens of millions of our most vulnerable sinners, cheats, ne’er-do-wells, atheists, and tax collectors among us.”

“I know you are, but what am I,” responded Mitch McConnell, head of the Senate Republicans.

President Barack Obama has promised to sign the bill once an associated “spiritual reconciliation” bill has passed the Senate. Still, the final implementation of the new law by the recently created Eternal Revenue Service (ERS) remains in doubt since the full Congress lacks the necessary votes to overcome a promised veto by Jesus.

The reaction from all fifty states was mixed. “This is ___ awesome, so ___, ___, ___ crazy,” said Lester Pengrove, on vacation with an unidentified woman in Las Vegas, Nevada. “Now what happens in my ___ heart will stay in my ___ heart. I’m finally free to do what I ___ want, and the ___ government is going to ___ pay the ___ eternal bill for me. ____!”

Pat Robertson, an evangelist and stand-up comedian living in Virginia, took the opposite stance. “Only God has the right to determine who gets to go to Heaven and who doesn’t. When someone says that this group is saved or that this other group is being punished by God for their sins, it borders on the blasphemous. The Bible is not up for a vote. ____!”

Even if passed, the full law won’t go into effect until 2014, and some, like John Marshmallow, head of Atheists for Eternal Life, are worried that the delay could put many Americans in danger of hellfire. “It’s just an indication of how far downhill America has gone. Sometimes I wish we were back in the 1950s, when being an American was enough to get you into heaven. Thanks a lot, trial lawyers!”