Taliban Announces Runoff Election to Replace Captured Leaders

This article was originally published on Humorality, on March 1, 2010.

Winners to be announced on Afghanistan’s Got Talent

Leaders of the Taliban political movement in Afghanistan are currently accepting applications from people looking to participate in key Jihadist leadership positions. Applicants must be males between the ages of twelve and eighty-five, have five years’ experience in playing Hide and Seek, and possess a valid Infidel Hunting License with at least five recorded kills, either directly or as a manager responsible for suicide bomber staff members.

Mullah Mohammed Omar, the secretive head of the group, was not available for comment. But his former second-in-command, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, who was recently captured in a joint CIA-Pakistani operation, encouraged would-be para-terrorist leaders to throw their turbans into the ring. “There has never been a better opportunity to become a highly respected and influential Talib,” said the former leader during a recent waterboarding session. “The Taliban party is a first-rate organization, with many perks and healthcare-related benefits not easily found in other third-world countries or London.”

The filing deadline for the runoff election is March 15, with primaries to be held two weeks later, pending the return of Improvised Voting Devices (IVDs) recently captured by the Karzai administration. “If we are unable to get the voting booths back by March 28,” said elections chief Mullah Abu Abu Abu Gesundheit, “we will use surplus electronic voting machines that were discarded by the United States; death to America!”

After nearly a decade of licking its wounds, the Taliban has been enjoying a revival of sorts, marred only by the constant capture of its leaders, the interruption of its activities by the Afghan government, and a lack of broadband Internet service in many of its remote caves. “I loved my time with the other leaders,” said Mullah Obaidullah Akhund, the former Taliban defense minister who was captured back in 2007. “I just hope my eventual replacement enjoys Cuban prison food as much as I do.”