This article was originally published on Humorality, on April 26, 2010.
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An engineer for the Illuminati, the secret hand that manipulates global events as part of the New World Order, accidentally left his prototype mind-control phone at a San Jose-area bar while attending a birthday party several days ago. The monolith-like handheld device, with a touch screen surface and a mesmerizing app-centric payment model, was rumored to be the next step in the organization’s attempt at controlling the masses.
“This is really, really bad,” said an unnamed lieutenant from the Illuminati’s North American Networking Center, located under the CERN laboratory in Genève, Switzerland. “Naturally, when things happen, good or bad, we’ve manipulated those events to meet our unspecified, unfathomable, long-term goals. But this is just bad. Our puppet Nixon never messed things up this much.”
Engazmodo, a popular online technology and conspiracy website, announced that it had acquired the lost device from a friend of a friend of a thief of a girlfriend of someone who worked at the bar. “It’s certainly the find of a lifetime,” said Raj Peters, the founder and editor of the site that paid $5,000 to obtain the unit. “It confirms everything we’ve ever believed, no matter what that is. We can’t turn the thing on or even figure out what its purpose is, but it still proves all we’ve been publishing for nearly a decade.”
Although the Illuminati had never previously acknowledged even the existence of the prototype technology, nor of its master control over every aspect of daily life, many pundits have expressed growing concern over its line of brain-management systems. Starting with the release of the Illuminati-Pod several years ago, the successful brainwashing program has reached hundreds of millions of citizens of the group’s single worldwide nation.
“These aren’t mind-control devices,” said an unnamed Illuminati spokesman sporting a black mock turtleneck shirt and faded jeans. “Repeat after me: These aren’t mind-control devices.”
“They are mind-control devices,” insisted Mr. Peters. “How else do you explain the constant shift between plastic and metallic back covers? And we’ve had alarming reports that the devices have started to mutate, changing from cute palm-sized devices to things that fill your lap. Shocking.”
Despite its editor’s concerns, Engazmodo has already returned the device to its owners. “Of course, we returned it upon request. It’s not like this one phone is going to blow the lid off of centuries of financial and physical dominance of every biped on the earth. For that you’d need some kind of search engine that provided access to the entire Internet. Ha ha. Wake me when that happens.”