This article was originally published on Humorality, on April 12, 2010.
President mobilizes National Guard’s “Got Milk” teams
The nation came to a virtual lactose standstill today as millions of mad cows left their barns and stalls in favor of picket lines. The International Sisterhood of Milk and Cheese Producers authorized the strike of its bovine members over accusations of favoritism at dairy farms.
At issue is the use of recombinant bovine somatotropin, or rBST, a growth hormone for cows. Jersey Hoffa, head of the union, spelled out the group’s demands at a 4:00am press conference. “We demand that rBST-treated cows be reintegrated into the production lines. We supported the industry when the market began to favor milk from cows not treated with rBST,” said Mr. Hoffa, swishing his tail in a menacing manner. “Look at how they’ve repaid us. They pamper those mutant super-cows while the underclass is once again forced to do all the work. We’re sick and tired of being treated like a second-class species.”
“I’m as mad as curdled milk and I’m not going to take it anymore,” said Sarah, a Holstein living in Wisconsin. “I spend all day lactating while those rBST-laced animals watch reruns of Green Acres. And that Myrtle makes me so upset. She’s so big, so buff, so lazy. She just fills her four stomachs with chocolate-covered hay while I have a machine tugging on my milkers. Oops. Can I say ‘milkers’ on TV?”
Mildred, a Guernsey who was treated for three years with the artificially produced hormone, called the charges of preferential treatment baseless. “I’ve been hearing this barnyard talk for nearly a decade. We Besters work just as hard as the next cow. We can’t help it if we can give ten percent more milk without breaking into a nose sweat. The truth is that those rBST-deniers are just upset because they’re getting blamed by the environmentalists for all that methane. A well-deserved accusation, I might add.”
Congress is already considering holding hearings to see if the strike is legal and to find out whether they can keep televising the hearings until the public forgets about the healthcare vote. “The American people have a right to know,” said Thomas Vilsack, the Secretary of Agriculture. “These farmers have played innocent for years, but the truth finally comes out: they have been breeding cattle that can speak and go on strike. This is a major setback for our immigration policy.”
The Producers Union insists it will strike until its demands are met. “They’ll change their minds when the little kiddies run out of milk and cookies. It’s not like American children are going to suddenly switch to soda pop.”