BP Discovers Massive Oil Field in Gulf Waters

This article was originally published on Humorality, on May 24, 2010.

Opens String of Oil-and-Salt-Water Health Spas

British Petroleum (BP), one of the largest energy companies in the world, announced this week the discovery of one of the greatest oil finds of the twenty-first century. The oil, estimated to number in the billions of barrels, was found intermixed within the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, near the site of one of its former drilling rigs.

“We’ve been pumping oil out of the ground in that area for years,” said Andy Inglis, the head of Exploration and Production for the multinational corporation. “We’ve dug down several miles into the ocean floor, but it never occurred to us to just dip a ladle into the sea. This will save us a lot of trouble since we won’t have to drill for the Texas Tea.”

BP has been under pressure from the Obama Administration in recent weeks after a large oil rig caught fire and sank in gulf waters southeast of Louisiana. It was during a search and rescue operation for members of the rig’s operations team that the company discovered the large region of mid-sea oil.

“It was huge,” said Carl-Henric Svanberg, chairman of BP, during an interview on at least one of the major news programs last Sunday. “And the best part is that it’s getting bigger all the time. At first, we thought it was only going to be a few thousand barrels. But it’s so large that it’s lapping onto the American coastline. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

President Obama took time out from his search for Joe Biden to weigh in on the crude oil discovery. “We have been working with British Petroleum’s management team to determine how best to tax this new international resource. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

Some members of the environmental community, however, were displeased at BP’s announcement. “This is an outrage,” said Pierre Petros, president of People United for the Ethical Treatment of Leftover Dinosaur Parts. “It’s bad enough that they are pumping this dwindling resource out of ground. But now they have to contaminate the pure crude with filthy, fish-ridden sea water. Don’t they know that oil and water don’t mix?”

BP has already started processing the oil from the chilly Gulf waters, but also plans to design new a new refinery system to handle the special crude. “When saltwater mixes with the raw oil, it introduces flavors never before experienced at the pump,” said Svanberg. “It’s like when new spices started coming out of India centuries ago. Don’t be surprised if you see cardamom- and anise-scented fuels showing up at stations by next year.”