Arizona Enacts “No Alien Left Behind”

This article was originally published on Humorality, on May 3, 2010.

Will Take Down All “Alien Right Ahead” Signs

In a landmark vote that is sure to impact pawn shops and bowling alleys across the state, the Arizona legislature has passed the controversial “No Alien Left Behind” package of immigration reforms. Derided by some as the “Finders Keepers” law, the changes would allow state residents to keep any misplaced or discarded illegal aliens they find.

“You can’t believe the number of foreign nationals left sitting in our lost and found,” said Milford Alexander, chief custodian at the Greyhound Bus terminal in Tucson. “Sometimes we have to store the extras behind the ticket counter. Now we’ll be able to put them out on the curb with ‘Free Alien’ signs on their collars. This law is a godsend.”

The business and retail community also welcomed the new rules, which go into effect immediately. Janice Arrivederci, a fashion designer working in upscale Scottsdale, couldn’t wait to add a few aliens to her shop floor. “A mannequin only has so many points of articulation. Trying to fit them with real clothing is a nightmare. But these aliens are just like real people. I’m going to pick up two or three this afternoon.”

Despite the positive reception, immigration rights groups were displeased at the change in state policy. “This is racism, pure and simple,” said José Suzuki, a human rights activist living in Yuma. “Illegal aliens come from every country on earth, and represent a cross section of humanity. But when you have to match an alien to your existing décor, of course you are going to include race in the decision.”

The group Citizens United Versus Citizens Not United has announced several major protests across the state this weekend. Police are urging residents to help with the post-protest cleanup and take any alien stragglers to their homes or places of worship.

To help quell any continuing unrest, Arizona is already considering adjustments to the law. One suggested modification would require that residents acquire aliens according to their demographic distribution. “The Mexican aliens are proving to be quite popular, but we have to be fair,” said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. “What we don’t want is to have a situation where illegal Polish immigrants are littering the streets and neighborhoods.”