Facebook to Build Fence to Protect its National Borders

This article was originally published on Humorality, on June 7, 2010.

Be Seen, Place Your Ad on the Fence Today!

Facebook announced today its plan to build the world’s largest border fence in an attempt to stem the flow of illegal users into its system. With the third largest population in the world, just behind China and India, Facebook has recently experienced a flood of immigrants into its domain. Industry estimates put the inward migration at nearly 50,000 users per month, mostly from sites left bankrupt from the world downward download economy.

“We’ve already started laying down the initial foundations of the fence,” said Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of the web-based nation-state. “We’re starting along the Facebook-MySpace border, where we’ve experienced the most vulnerability. That should stop people coming in. As for those already here, making their ‘Interests’ and ‘Photos’ public is usually enough encouragement to get them to return on their own.”

Those with a Facebook presence on the edges of the system cheered the news. “It’s about time they did something with these border crossings,” said one user who wished to remain anonymous because he wouldn’t be my friend. “You can’t believe the amount of trash these illegal aliens leave all over my Farmville.”

When complete, border patrol bots will oversee a 24,000-terabyte-long electrified fence. But where some see this as a blessing, others see an ulterior motive. “Facebook is attempting to institutionalize racism by hiding behind this fence,” said a posting on the wall of “The Open Logins Project,” a Facebook group with 1,639 members. “It’s another fascist attempt to keep out those who don’t have the same computational genes as the majority, a plan to oppress those who only want a little freedom.” Pokes to the Open Logins Project went un-poked-back due to the sudden deletion of the group.

Others felt the most popular web site on Earth wasn’t doing enough about undocumented accounts without profile pictures. One user named The Real Paris Hilton blasted Facebook for focusing on the wrong issues. “Studies show that people who engage in highly dynamic social interactions online are susceptible to fluctuations in the contemporaneous milieu,” said Hilton, whose Facebook page warns about rampant identity theft on the site.

Facebook hopes to have the border fence completed and paid for within two years, “if we can sell enough advertising to our members based on their secure profile,” said Zuckerberg. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just opt everyone into the ‘Arizona Immigration’ clause of the privacy policy.”

Tim Patrick

Tim Patrick is an author, software developer, and the host of Japan Everyday. He has published a dozen books and hundreds of articles covering technology, current events, and life in Japan. Find his latest books at OwaniPress.com.

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