This article was originally published on Humorality, on June 21, 2010.
Replaces Electrified Border Wall with Friendly White Picket Fence
President Obama took some time out from his busy deficit-spending activities to sign an immigration-related order that some are calling “executive.” The order enacts a new set of rules for the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) that bring it in line with the same “opt out” policies currently applied to internet users, medical patients, and various endangered species.
Under the new guidelines, all those in the United States who were formerly classified as illegal aliens will now be known as citizens, unless they check the appropriate opt-out box on the new ICE Form A4832-4GS3 Revision 6.2010. The form will also need to be signed, notarized, affirmed by a witness, stamped by a postal service employee, and blessed by an ordained priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, shaman, witch doctor, or any senator over 65 years of age.
“Simplicity,” said Barack Obama at the signing ceremony. “It’s all about simplicity. For decades our leaders in government have been bogged down in partisan bickering over issues as silly as what defines a citizen of the United States of America. It’s time to put our differences aside.” At the same event, the President signed a second order that provides scholarships and student loans for the Electoral College.
Immigrant rights groups praised the change in national policy. “¡Viva los Estados Unidos de América!” said Carlos Smith, one of nearly eleven million new citizens. “My familia when through mucho hardships trying to get to this country. But now those hardships are gone. If I had one thing to say about my new country, it’s that it is easy.”
Not everyone was joining in the celebration. Ron Paul, who tried to win the Republican primary during the 2008 presidential race with his controversial “good cop, bad cop” election strategy, rejected the new immigration standards. “Switching from an opt-in to an opt-out citizenship focus is a scandal. It’s nothing more than a way for government-run-amuck to bring unwanted intrusions into the homes of hundreds of millions of residents, intrusions such as lowered produce costs, Juan Valdez look-alike contests, and unsolicited phone calls from Nancy Pelosi. We need more than an opt-out policy. We need a National Do Not Immigrate Registry.”
Immigration and Customs Enforcement promises a smooth transition, despite not having any of the new canary yellow forms available for at least twelve to eighteen months. “We are asking new immigrants to please bear with us while we address these changes,” said John Morton, the head of ICE and an all-around nice guy. “Until we have everything set up, we ask that you come in and make yourselves at home.”