Federal Regulators Seize Seven Underperforming Senators

This article was originally published on Humorality, on July 12, 2010.

Public in Shock as Vice President Once Again Evades Capture

In a move meant to stabilize the current unease within the legislative industry, federal regulators seized the assets of seven underperforming senators at the US Capital. The names of the elected officials were not made available, but several senators were seen being forcefully carried out of their office by members of the ATF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Congressmen, and Explosives.

“It was like a scene out of a movie,” said Sarah Watson, the front office secretary for Senator Al Franken (D-MN). “And I’m not talking about one of those cute Pixar movies, or those comedy romances that I like to watch with my boyfriend. To be honest, I think he’d rather watch some Vin Diesel action something or other, which is exactly the type of movie I was referring to.”

George Parcheesi, a long-time staffer to Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), said he just stood by with his mouth open as both the junior and senior senators from his state were carried away in shackles. “It makes you stop and wonder about what is happening in this nation when your own boss could be underperforming. You tend not to notice these things when you have YouTube up.”

The Justice Department, which coordinated the early morning raid, initially targeted nine senate offices for closure. “But then we found out that the reduced activities of Senators Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd might be justified due to their recent deaths,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference in front of the capital building. “We’ll continue our investigation, and exhume their bodies if it turns out they are just being lazy.”

Other underperforming senators rounded up in the coordinated action include Republicans Judd Gregg of New Hampshire and Johnny Isakson from Georgia. Other senators who were found milling around the Senate chambers didn’t seem to recognize either of those names, so the takedowns in those two cases seemed to be justified. The last two captures had yet to be identified, possibly due to their long-term inability to shock the nation with hypocrisy or scandal.

Today’s operation is the first time in nearly a decade that officials had raided the capital. In early 2001, Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards (D) was briefly detained for failing to cast several key votes. But when further investigation revealed that he was mulling a run for the presidency and that he was elected mainly due to his handsome features, he was released on his own recognizance. Senator John Kerry (D-MA) didn’t return calls about the incident, citing “ongoing anger issues.”

It is unclear how the removal of nearly ten percent of the upper chamber will impact the balance of power on The Hill, or how it will play out in the upcoming midterm elections. Harry Reid, the incumbent senior senator from Nevada and current Majority Leader, perhaps summed it up best: “Put me down! Put me down! You haven’t heard the last of me!”