This article was originally published on Humorality, on August 16, 2010.
Snowball’s Chance Decreases Unexpectedly
In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of “cool” by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.
“I can’t recall it ever being this hot before,” said Nero, a long-time resident and a fire marshal in Hell’s Latin Quarter. “It’s summers like this that make one pine for younger days. Even my annual vacation to the Lake of Fire offers no relief.”
Underworld temperatures, which normally hover around ten million degrees, have been holding steady near twelve million. The exact reason for the change remains unclear, but the crisis is of such concern that the local Democratic-Republican Party has added a “Spiritual Revival on Earth” plank to their platform in an attempt to offset the heating effects of rampant sin.
Despite a cooling trend over the past decade, climatologists at the Eternal Weather Service said that the sudden uptick in hellish temperatures represented “a disturbing trend.” One demonic minion, who spoke on the laughable condition of anonymity, accused Heaven of driving up temperatures. “It’s their refusal to switch to energy-efficient lighting. If you are going to be the Light of Life, at least do so in a responsible manner. I swear, sometimes Heaven is just plain evil.”
Despite both emotions and environmental conditions reaching the boiling point, some residents of perdition called the claims of pending high-temp doom overblown. Adolf Hitler, a consultant with the Citizens for a Better Underworld, chuckled when asked about the long-term devastation. “Temperatures go up; temperatures go down. It’s one hundred percent natural. Those who believe in conspiracies about man-made eternal warming are no different from those who tout Holocaust theories.”