America Lists Louisiana on Ebay

This article was originally published on Humorality, on August 30, 2010.

Mardi Gras to be Moved to Exciting Fargo, North Dakota

With the economy struggling and federal spending at an all-time high, the Obama Administration is taking a bold step to improve the long-term economic outlook. Yesterday, officials from the State Department posted an auction for the State of Louisiana on the popular web site Ebay. Bidding for the southern state started at $0.99, although by 10:00am this morning, 23 bids had already pushed the price up to $539.20.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton approved of the sale, calling it “The right state at the right time.” When asked whether last year’s “Rhode Island / Craigslist” incident would have any bearing on the sale, Secretary Clinton assured reporters that her department “would no longer accept personal checks.”

A review of the Ebay listing found the following description: “You are bidding on the State of Louisiana, one of fifty rare American states. Although this is a used state, it has been kept in good condition, with some minor oil staining along one edge. Portions of the levy system near Big Easy region may need replacement parts; current Army Corps of Engineers warranty is not transferable. This beautiful state comes with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by Napoleon Bonaparte. Buyer must pick up the state within 14 days of purchase, and must provide transportation. PayPal accepted.”

News of the auction came as a surprise to governors in states bordering the Gulf of Mexico. “All I can say is: It’s about time,” said Rick Perry, governor of the neighboring state of Texas. “It’s about d–n time.”

Joe Biden, normally busy with his hectic Vice Presidentialing schedule, held a press conference to discuss the sale. “I personally like Louisiana. It’s one of my four dozen or so favorite states. But the fact is that it’s a money pit. Between the hurricanes and the waist-high deep pools of BP oil, it’s cheaper in the long run to just sell the thing.”

The Treasury Department hopes to get at least $11 million for the state, just about breaking even with the original purchase price for the entire Louisiana Purchase transaction. Although the bidding level is still low after just 24 hours of activity, New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu expects a few “international high rollers or FEMA executives to snipe the lower bidders during the last ten minutes.”

No matter what price is received, the Administration has already made plans for the next state on the auction block. “Three words,” said President Obama. “Dallas Arab Emirates.”