Obama to Invoke Emergency Superhero Powers

This article was originally published on Humorality, on August 23, 2010.

Look, Up in the Pie in the Sky

With the economy continuing its downward spiral, Iran counting the days until its nuclear dreams come true, and a general malaise within the Democratic Party, President Barack Obama announced today that he would invoke flight, invisibility, and other Executive Superhero Powers over the next three months. Although the president had yet to decide on a name for his heroic alter ego, he has already been fitted for a dapper dark-blue stretch suit with coordinated pale blue cape.

“Americans need not fear the future,” said President Obama in a press conference in the White House’s underground PrezCave. “Instead, they can have hope that my administration’s policies and my heat-ray vision will reduce the unemployment rate.” The president’s new sidekick, a masked government official with “Bidenmite” emblazoned across his chest, stood nearby as the crusader-in-chief spoke. “Together, we will fight for truth, justice, and the Sociali…I mean, the American way.”

Conservatives called the increase in presidential authority over nature “a typical left-wing ploy to deflect criticism of failed economic policies.” Newt “The Green Budget Machete” Gingrich, former congressional superhero (Republican universe) / supervillain (Democrat universe), laughed maniacally from his Fortress of American Contracts. “The President has taken a bold step today. But I promise you, this is a fight he will never win!” said Gingrich, along with other catchy super-mottos. A masked government official with “Lieber-man” emblazoned across his chest, stood by as the former House speaker, uh, spoke.

Highly classified, the constitutionally-protected superpowers have been the topic of much speculation since they were first codified by President Woodrow Wilson following an attack on the United States by mutant 30-foot ants near the close of World War I. Wilson’s use of cannon-blast fists and super speed brought about an American victory, but led to the subsequent election of Warren G. Harding. Ever since, the Department of Nemesis Defense has advised presidents against using the available powers.

Despite the warnings, Mr. Obama is confident his new abilities will put America on the right track. “Mild mannered approaches are not working,” said the president after leaping the 2010 budget in a single bound. “I promise to be bitten by as many radioactive spiders as it takes to defeat the combined evils of AIG, George Bush, Fox News, and the army of BP-trained zombies that are bringing our economy down.”