Repair Delays Plague Broken Global Warming Machine

This article was originally published on Humorality, on April 25, 2011.

Experts fear yet another summer of enjoyable weather

A spate of costly delays has once again pushed back the planned restart date for the ailing global warming machine. Repair crews are working around the clock to restore the climate-altering system amid a tide of accusations from government leaders and denials from the secret one-world uber-government that such a machine even exists. The system, which has been out of commission for over a decade, could be down for several more years.

“This is a fiasco,” said Hiroshi Bilderberger, a high-ranking manager in the family business that controls the global warming device. “It’s so frustrating when the hidden right hand doesn’t know what the hidden left hand is doing. The International Weather Service was pushing forward with production of the needed radioactive Iodine-131 and Cesium-137 isotopes in our Fukushima plant. Then for reasons beyond my comprehension, the International Tsunami Service scatters the stuff all over Tokyo. What is this world coming to?”

Despite efforts by both George W. Bush and Barack Obama to hide the problem with a series of exciting wars, whistleblowers are speaking up faster than the CIA can dispense with them. Sarah Silversmith, a professor of Earth Studies at a university that asked not to be named, was not surprised at the troubles. “The machine dates back to the Eisenhower administration, which first proposed the ‘Meteorology-Industrial Complex.’ The thing dies every few years, and since we deny it even exists, it’s hard to find qualified repairmen. It’s really too bad, too, because it’s a gorgeous machine. Lots of shiny gears and whistles and smooth glass.”

The size of the machine also makes repairs complex. The system exists in three parts of the globe: the control components in Geneva, Switzerland; the warming turbines just outside of Rio de Janeiro; and an administrative office with full secretarial staff located in Minot, North Dakota. As first exposed in the 1973 Charlton Heston documentary Soylent Green, the ultimate purpose of the device is to allow a worldwide conglomeration of evil business interests and puppet governments to implement cannibalism by 2022. “I was just telling Al Gore the other day that I’d be surprised if man-burgers showed up before the middle of the century,” said an agitated Dick Cheney.

Tim Patrick

Tim Patrick is an author, software developer, and the host of Japan Everyday. He has published a dozen books and hundreds of articles covering technology, current events, and life in Japan. Find his latest books at

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