Obama Releases Long-Form Green Card

This article was originally published on Humorality, on May 2, 2011.

Environmentalists demand a more beautiful green on green cards

After spending close to three years trying to avoid the issue altogether, President Barack Obama held a press conference last week to announce the full release of his “long-form” green card. Until the announcement, America’s forty-fourth president had dismissed calls for full disclosure of his immigration status with a curt, “No way, Jose,” raising questions of possible Mexican heritage.

“I have decided to release information on my green card so that we can move on with the nation’s business, and not be distracted repeatedly by my foreign citizenship,” said Mr. Obama. When asked about how he planned to deal with Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution, which requires the president be a “natural born citizen of the United States,” he shifted the debate to his healthcare legislation. “While I understand the difficulties of those born through cesarean means, I am proud to say that my mother delivered me in the most natural, non-surgical manner available at the time in Kenya.”

“This fight is not over,” said Gwen Carpenter, leader of a “birther” organization called “The White House or the Big House, Your Choice.” Ms. Carpenter continued, “For one thing, that card isn’t even green. I’m part of a grass-roots movement. We know green.”

The surprise announcement has had little impact on the administration’s overall popularity. A network-news poll taken just seconds into the press conference found that Obama’s approval ratings had not changed since earlier in the day.

Even with the ambivalence of the electorate on his side, President Obama may face a difficult challenge as the 2012 campaign season heats up. “Ever since I heard that the President had released his green card, I’ve found myself questioning why he released the document at this time,” said a maudlin Donald Trump. “Now I have to think up some other divisive issue.”